When it comes to Self and relationships, Neale Donald Walsh sums it up nicely:
The purpose of relationship is to decide what part of yourself you’d like to see ‘show up’, not what part of another you can capture or hold
Relationship is not about having another to complete you. It is about sharing your completeness with another. I practice being whole and content in my own company. Others are not my emotional stability; my own time and space is. What I tank up in those times, I then share with others. They are the outlet, not the petrol station. Others tend to energize and magnify my egoic mind patterns. They activate my pain body. This forces me to become conscious. It’s the perfect spiritual practice ground.
First with Self
All relationships are a reflection of your inner landscape. The better you relate to yourself, the better you relate to the outside world and the better it relates to you. The most relationship is with yourself – all the rest are mirrors. If you value yourself and honour your feelings, others will do too. At peace with your Self, you will be at peace with everybody. Conversely, if you don’t love yourself, you will see everyone not loving you. As within so without. Do you treat yourself like you want others to treat you? You need to stand up for, honour and nurture yourself. If you don’t, no-one else will. Whatever you want to experience within yourself, you need to be the source of.
The qualities of another may fit snugly into your lacks, like two jigsaw pieces. This feeling reminds you of wholeness. Filling your lacks like this, does not truly replace the deeper need to experience self-love, self-worth, and self-respect. When you face your emptiness and take responsibility for it, you are on the road to true wholeness. This only comes by filling your holes and your lacks from the inside out. When you are without inner holes, you can show the world your true Self. You need no mask to hide your wounds and keep you safe. Your mask just reinforces emptiness.
Wholeness attracts wholeness, holes attract holes. It’s wonderful when you find the rhythm with another, but ultimately it is your own beat you align to. Only when you have found peace, joy and well-being on your own, can you enjoy being with another free of ego’s grabbing and fear. When you fill yourself up first, you can give of your overflow and ask nothing in return. That being said, it is important not to try to fix the other. I have learnt from experience that it is best not to tell another what to do. They are learning in the way they have chosen. Respecting others means not infringing on their lives. Filling another’s holes may make them seem happy, but it also keeps them from their own wholeness.
Know how to be alone
Knowing how to be solitary is central to good relationships with others. ’Chez moi’ is a term I coined in French which means ‘welcome and happy in my own space’. I am on my own wave, not feeding off anybody’s energy. When you can be alone, you can be with others without using them to escape. Any connection with another is by nature temporal and imperfect. Touch the world lightly and stay rooted in Self.
Know how to be alone, not defined by another person. When you accept yourself, you free yourself from the burden of needing another to accept you. Then you can be open with others. Being open is having nothing to defend, hide or apologize for. The areas where you are not certain, where you feel insecure, are those you often feel you most need to defend.
In a relationship, maintain yourself and your own path in order to be the ‘other’ that your partner is in relationship with. If you don’t, you become your partners clone and they have no relationship. A relationship with another is in addition to, not in place of a relationship with yourself.
Beware of displaced connecting. The need to connect with another may be a projection of the need to connect with yourself. I have noticed that I am in love with the connection feeling more than the person I am connecting with. Within Self, all other connections fall into their proper place. They become useful, not destructive. Others cease to be an addiction. You see them as they are. you don’t need them to be anything in particular. You no longer draw out certain qualities and suppress others in the process. You are not at odds with your surroundings, because you are not being an energy vampire.
Others will want to be around you when you maintain a good relationship with yourself. Remember the camembert story early in an earlier article?
It was a great relief to me when I realized that I don’t need another to find my Self. Another can never be enough for me as long as I am actually missing myself. The best soul mate is my own soul. No other will be able to satisfy your longing until you have found the connection from within again. Self is more powerful, able, wise and constant than any other.
It’s not either or; it’s keeping both worlds alive: your own world and the relationship world. When you are with the other, focus on being completely with them. When you are apart, focus on the rest of your life and your relationship with Self within that.
Click here if you’re looking to restore balance in your relationships.