As long as the Ego runs your life, your thoughts, emotions, and actions arise from desire and fear. In relationship, you then either want or fear something from the other. All suffering is born of desire. True love is never frustrated. What can be frustrated is the desire for expression, which is of the mind, and, as with all things mental, frustration is inevitable. Let’s take a closer look relationships run by ego-mind.
When I am needing something instead of just enjoying what I have in the moment, I focus on what others are not giving me. When I am centred and unattached, I am open to all they can give me and appreciate it all.
Trading with one another
The way relationships are commonly understood, is that they are about trading with one another: love as response to need fulfilment. When love first happens, you give each other energy unconsciously. That’s the incredible high of being ‘in love’. You tend to cut yourself off from your own energy supply though. You rely on one another. Soon the honeymoon phase ends and then there doesn’t seem to be enough energy to go around. So, you each try to force the other’s energy your way. At this point, the relationship degenerates into the usual power struggle.
A relationship usually means no longer being a disconnected fragment in an uncaring universe. Your loved one becomes the new centre of your life, the drug to cover up your pain. After the drug wears off, the ‘in-love’ phase ends and the painful ego-feelings re-appear more strongly than ever. You tend to project them onto your partner and attack with all the savage violence of our pain. In ego-mind, you pretend to be a human being, interacting with another ego-mind pretending to be a human being. You play a drama called ‘love’. You play roles to get your ego needs met. To the degree to which you resort to expectations and responsibility, you neither know nor trust the other. To get out of your head into doing, rather speak of expectancy and responsiveness in your relationships.
The ego-mind hangs on to its story. In your mind and its story, you are in your own private hell. It’s a sub-reality where no-one can reach you. Here and now, aware and in your body, you can love. You can be spontaneous, and you can be known by another. Drop the attachment to your story. When I climb out of my mind, I am able to be entertaining, relaxed, and spontaneous. I have time for people and conversations, and I enjoy being with them. It’s a completely different me that then comes out.
Ego creates illusion
Mentalizing a relationship feeds the ego and creates illusion. When I do this, my consciousness levels drop. My growth stops because all my energies are re-directed to a tug-of-war with what is essentially a dream. Although it is all delusion, the pain is very real when the relationship, inasmuch as it actually was one, ends. This is a testimony to how well I create. I hang on to and interpret and anticipate my own mental picture which results in an emotional rolercoaster. This is not the deep authentic feeling, but the mental-emotional interpretation of it. It showcases all my ego’s needs and insecurities. Relationship does not take my issues away. It merely brings them the fore and adds another’s issues to the pile. This makes life more challenging and not less as I keep hoping.
Ego-mind is addicted to its projection. Addiction to a person is not love. As with all types of addiction, it can’t be quenched by the amount of time spent in their company. It is an obsession that can’t be satiated, just like attachment to food is a craving that can’t be satisfied no matter how much one eats. Every addiction comes from one’s unconscious refusal to face and move through one’s own pain.
To keep your relationships authentic, make sure that others see all of you and you see all of them, blinkers off. Get in touch with me here if you could use some help with that.
Recognize the level of the soul you’re with. Don’t expect Calculus from a second grader. No-one is intrinsically bad. We are all doing the best we can at our level of consciousness. If there are conflicts with others you cannot resolve, walk away. Leave them to be what they are, which is perfect given where they are at – Stuart Wilde